You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
