i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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