I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
he fucked my hip out of place.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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