He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
