I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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