I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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