I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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