They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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