I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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