You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
