If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
