so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
