You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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