he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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