I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
