I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
