yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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