clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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