My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
