Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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