Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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