did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
