i was born a porn star she said
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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