I hope mine doesn't look like that
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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