So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
