I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
