If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
