i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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