Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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