Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
