I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
