i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
