So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
