You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
