This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
