Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
