1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
