you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
