Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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