where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
