Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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