the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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