My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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