the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
