I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i believe in u and ur pee
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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