Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
