hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The adults are the big ones right?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
