you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize