the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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