I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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