i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
