She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
