BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
