He kissed a someone with a penis
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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