i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
