highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
