dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
