Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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