In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
