So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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