John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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